Bla bla bla

I am quite free in thoughts and actions nowadays. I accepted every single opinions of others in non -judgemental way. Even so, not everyone seems to have the same 'upstairs'.

I am so taken back by the first sentence in an astrology book I read (sorry, cant seem to remember even the author). It read ' scorpio women, their ever regret was that they were not born a man'. Oh dear! I wiped my dry forehead on how close that very sentence is to what I have been feeling since years of my existence. Crazy- sounded is not it? Or ill-sounded? Petty?

Then later today, I, usually really would not mind whatever topic of my husband and friend prep-talk is but this today, the subject gotten softly to my ear and hitting me hard in the head. 'Man and how they actually look for money' - the nice way of putting it. The harsh one that I heard maybe I'll keep it to myself.

My husband and I, we are like quarter century gap or precisely about 14 years gap. It is well, just a number, yes, just like weight and height. I am so attracted to him by first chat we had - thanks to the whatever net above (the internet), we are happily married coming to 5 years next. Yes. If you heard me, the CHAT. Now that I am married I am happy he is not anybody you can catch over the net but he is a real man- mind & heart.

But, why so? Did I not think of anybody pretended to be someone? Or someone who lives by saliva-based income? Or anybody who make a living with lie and pretend. Yes, I was lucky enough even if I did not even thought about the above earlier, my husband is in my circle of friend. He is a family member to a friend. Maybe I was reckless enough that time, but to some, I got lucky. Nah, I knew he was a good one. Because (20 sentence slogan would not be enough) - I just love him.

So, back to the question I had in mind today after eavesdropping. Man making a living by ...
Maybe it is true, among all those strangers out there with a manlike mask on, could there have been a women' liar. Lie to make a living. Lie to be able to stand another hour, day and year. For what I've heard from that hot talk between them (my husband and a friend), it was not a lie to feel being loved.

It is so different from how a woman feels about a lie. Woman lie to feel accepted, loved and to feel in power. I guess this is why I really envy a man since I was born.

I would not need to pretend in times I am not popular in school. I really don't have to pretend to get good grades to get attentions and loves of the world. I really don't have to be anything. All I have to have is a pair of a good pant.

I really have no clue on where this should have ended. I really don't know. It just really opened my mind suddenly. Some man could just lie. (not all)

Lie to still be worthwhile.

Butterflies

I know I don't really write usual enough. Everything that quite interesting passes by so quickly and when I am in front of the laptop I just cannot remember a thing. Or simply don't know where to start. So, since my last post, like a year ago (I think), finally I am done with internship. Good 2 years + 3month (maternity leave) + 1 month (log book extension). Seriously? I don't think I deserve the extra one month, but let it be. Could care less.

Both babies, (yes, both) Maryam and Fatimah really beat the clock fast now. Maryam is already 3 and half while Fatimah about 1 year and 3months by this very moment. Both hugs me very well (haha)- yes, I really do a lot of hugging all the year round. We spend a lot of times together. Mostly the 3 of us because daddy is always busy (seriously?) Love all of you. :)

Next on top of all that, I have already done my biggest surgical correction to my so unfortunate feet. I had it operated on on the 29th October this year with hope I can walk the talk - getting osteoarthritis way longer than it could have. I had loads of thoughts over this operation, and well I got it sorted out. It is only 4weeks past and cross fingers, it will work, it must work! So for the half a year, I have not been working. Only managing trivial cough and colds at home.

I am not having anything to talk on this time, really. But frankly, a lot of things I am encountering lately. But I supposed I would talk on this disturbing feeling I am having. About the medical treatment/operation that I am going through. Not the feeling or the thinking over decision to go under the knife, sure it was bothering enough but at this very moment it was all settled. Over and done with. I got a good care from this local semi- government hospital. A friendly specialist at my workplace referred me to him, another friendly competent surgeon. So I have started treatments since mid year this year, and he has been very good but surprisingly maybe I just don't understand the system.

I had a call for early October slot for operation but ended up I had it done end of October, yes, with lots of politics involved. I simply don't know what I did was in a way helping me and the specialist incharged on the matter or not. But it turned out I felt he is upset with the issues that I might had been the one raised out LOUD. I got a call the first thing in the morning of 20th Oct after my 1st admission on the 1st October became a frustration, I again taken back by another frustration. On the 1st, I had to accept that my case was a little not to urgent ( I got it somehow) but to wait for another date which I remembered being early this coming December? (oh no way!) And I remembered so well, in the midst of my bad cold, I had a dream one night to actually address this matter to the superior.

So, the next morning, exactly like what I dreamt, I wrote a letter to the hospital chairman and get it forwarded to the respective specialist. I thought it could help the incharged doctors to get me a slot which he/they seemed not to be able to find himself/themselves. And so, I got my wish granted by the hospital.

Appointments by appointments I could sensed the irritability of the surgeon towards me. I am not asking for shortcuts or double standard treatment, rather I really think of it as a 'help' I could offer. As I myself understand the system (talking about my workplace) so, I am not expecting way too much separating binder between the two.

Later I had issues, like fell down the stair, couple of times and worst was once 2 days ago. I hated the fact it happened because I was too tired to go down the stairs but I still did to get breakfast. I asked for opinions. It sounded fair. So I went on a spoken walk in appointments. Xrays done but that was it. I didn't get to see the doctor. Or appropriate way to put it, I went home after about an hour waiting out of my appointment day. Feeling so not belonged with a lot of other errand to run, I left. I did inform but I just don't feel right. Still feeling something stuck at my throat now. It felt so unresponsible of me and irrespectfull of me. I left mainly on not wanting to be a trouble to anyone. And not even at all to cut others que. But to be making another call and tell the surgeon that I left is just unforgiven. So I texted.

Do you get me? Or am I being childish again (my best specialty) but what could I have done better?
Now, the only thoughts that is polite to me is to ask for a reschedule to this week appointment. I am so going to make the call tomorrow.

Good night.

Lily

My Mr Husband,

Though at times, you are difficult, sorry that I have to curse and hate you. Truth is, I am here because of you and always to be with you. I know deep inside we are completing one another, but still differences made all the cue to cult. Things I accepted are those making me angry and bitter sometimes.

I owe you for everything in life, past and future. My clock still ticking and time is running past us - fast!

For all those days of sober, cry and bitterness
I sure the cure to it is still sweet

I am hoping life treats us good
In time for both us to ship through and keeping up with the love boats

Thanks for the time, and sorry
But for sure I love the lilies :)

ICU - the black magic

Life is tough.

Boohoo... Cliche cliche

I thought deep in my heart and not-so-noble thoughts, I am one of the weirdos who like dealing with the near-dead people (through profession) and nothing like ghost whisperer and etc but I found more of the kind.

Then true enough there more out there who can't stand dealing with people - mostly the crappy one.
Why so? I mean why they are so called crappy?

1) Think illness is a game - suicider mostly
2) Thinking that disease is a disaster - like the doctors are nun (never got sick/laid)
3) Thinking that disease is another thing can be swapped with business card - hello, i am so and so
4) Thinking that hospital another shopping malls

CRAP!
My job is to cure and care. But how do I do when my heart full of such of the irritation to the above. I am still somehow doing the versa.

1) I still got scolding from bosses - though rarely
2) I still got warnings on punching in late- crazy shit
3) I still got shoutings from patients and family - once in a blue moon

But when that does happen, surely one thing I am so sure I would do
- let the dumb fight with one!

D End -